With the season finally over, time has also been called on my journalism duties.
This will be the last column I write for this season and possibly the last column I write at all. Our relegation no doubt means there will be much player movement during the off season and having not yet spoken with the management team, I am unable to confirm at this stage whether I will be captain next season or indeed an Eastbourne Borough player at all!
If this is to be the last time I write, I would like to take the opportunity to say thank you for taking the time to read the column and I hope that you have found it interesting and informative.
While some may find it difficult to comprehend that a footballer can not only read but also write, I would like to clarify that the column is not ghost written as many have suggested, nor is it altered in any way and as such would like to thank Derren and the team at the Herald for trusting me with the freedom to write my own opinions.
Let’s be honest, it has been a long and often depressing season.
Relegation is painful at the best of times, but when your fate is obvious months prior to its comformation, it can really bring you down.
However, despite this I have maintained all season that the spirit and banter in the dressing room has been first class and as such I would like to finish off with a short appraisal of each member of our squad and their performance this season.
Rikki Banks: Once the glue dries on the bottom of his boots he’ll be fine. Will need treatment for his chronic back condition having picked the ball out of his net 100+ times this season. Best voice in football.
Darren Baker: I will never say a bad word about Lord Baker. If they do not erect a bronze statue of him at the Lane I will do it myself.
Gary Elphick: Takes ‘part time’ to a different level. Missed more games than he’s played. Heads everything because he can’t kick. In-built missile lock means he rarely misses one. Rumoured to have a future as a Spartan in sequel to ‘300’.
Ben Austin: 34 year old in a 54 year old’s body. Never fully fit, rarely seen at training unless on treatment table. Has the turning circle of the QE2 and in a race milk would turn quicker. Tries hard.
Matt Langston: Remember him? Played once or twice when the weather was good. Can be found in his cave lifting boulders to stay in shape for his job as a Men’s Health Model.
Neil Jenkins: Human equivalent of a small dog. Angry for no reason and about as hard as a Mars bar in a desert. If given ritalin to help focus can play a bit but seemingly never takes it. If asked it wasn’t him.
Steven Brinkhurst: Expert at sitting down on benches. Flashes of brilliance but normally only when his mother Susan Boyle is present to photograph it.
Matt Smart: Gayest straight man in history, fact. Fit as a butcher’s dog due to the amount of time spent in his shed, otherwise known as ‘Smart’s Gym’. Loves lycra.
Simon Johnson: If he wasn’t built like Mr Burns he’d be a player. Apparently played for England, must have been on FIFA. His best performances have been on the coach when making the squad hot drinks. In a relationship with Ethan Strevett.
Ethan Strevett: Form has dipped since Richard Pacquette became his dietician. Relationship with Simon Johnson hasn’t helped as he finishes Johnno’s portions. Hell of a player with a bright future but will need to fit football around filming of the Percy Pig 3D movie.
Matt Crabb: Human Rat. Can be found scurrying around the pitch most weekends with little effect. Usually distracted by the smell of cheese from the burger bar.
Eddie Hutchinson: Made a big difference since arriving but not a miracle worker! Could easily be a model...from the neck down. Brought up in a library.
Jamie Taylor: Great season. Selected to play for the England Midget’s team but was half an inch too tall. Shame.
Richard Pacquette:Communication issues with the other players. Talks a funny language ‘innit bruv.’ Scored goals early on then lost focus due to career as the official Will.I am look a like. Ruined Ethan Strevett’s physique.
Nathan Crabb: Rarely seen this season as struggled with injury. Professional gurner who loves nothing more than taking his shirt off. Refers to his arms as ‘AK47’s’. Rat by blood.
Ross Treleaven: Looks like Torres and has been about as much use as him. Loves a sulk. Badly missed since early season due to injury. Rumoured to be fit for start of 2015 season.
Simon Weatherstone: Loves to stroll about the pitch looking good. Ultra cool due to his time living in LA hanging out with Jay-Z. Co owner and founder of G star jeans. Among his best friends are David Haye, Ian Wright and John Terry, all of whom he dresses.
So there you have it. I’m sure some of the players listed above will not be with us next year but despite everything I would like to thank them for their efforts throughout the season.
Who knows what next year holds but I’m sure it will be as eventful as ever, and hopefully with a more positive outcome.