Keith Newbery: The looks of Brad Pitt and the build of John Bull

JOHN ‘Lord’ Prescott funded a £40,000 Caribbean cruise for himself and his wife by giving three speeches while on board the Queen Mary 2.

The content was reported to have been typically unsubtle – and the butt of much of the ‘humour’ was his wife, Pauline.

“I’ve got three sons – one’s half-American. You work it out,” was the side-splitting manner in which he referred to his wife’s teenage pregnancy by a married US army officer.

Can I suggest Lady Prescott be given the opportunity to say a few words on her own behalf? I’ll even write them for her.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Can I start with a quick apology?

“Some of you may have been surprised to find my John serving your soup earlier on, but there’s a simple explanation.

“He used to be a bar steward many years ago and old habits die hard.

Some say he still is a right bar steward but I’ll not have that.

“My John’s a left bar steward. Always has been, always will be.

“The original idea was for John to give three speeches, but after the first one a couple of nights ago some of you couldn’t understand what he were going on about and asked whether English was his first language.

“The trouble is, my John has such a quick brain that his mouth can’t always keep up – and it’s cost him a few plum jobs I can tell you.

“When Labour first came to power in 1997, John wanted the foreign office. But Tony said every office sounded foreign after John had been in it for a few minutes.

“We laughed didn’t we luv? Well, me and Tony did anyway...

“A lot of ignorant people insult my John and some of them say ‘he’s full of it.’

“Well, he’s had the novovirus bug for the past 48 hours so I can confidently report that he’s not as full of it as he used to be.

“People ask what it’s like to be married to a sex symbol and somebody once said he had the looks of Brad Pitt and the build of John Bull. Tony said that meant he must look like a pit-bull.

“We laughed didn’t we luv? Well, me and Tony did anyway...”

I HAVE come to the conclusion that Vanessa Feltz is not so much as person as an optical illusion.

In recent years she has made regular appearances in magazines, newspapers and television reality shows, bemoaning the problems she was with her weight.

Personal misery caused her to pile on the pounds – then a personal trainer helped her to lose them.

The adipose tissue then made its inevitable reappearance – only for a gastric band to come to the rescue.

She insisted her dress sizes varied from between 14 and 24 – yet throughout it all she looked exactly the same to me.