It is in Eastbourne's best interest to provide a barren, desolate environment...

From: Chris WestonGreenfield Road

Friday, 9th November 2018, 7:59 am
Updated Monday, 12th November 2018, 10:10 am

I would like to congratulate Eastbourne Council on their decision to cut down and destroy all the trees in Cornfield Road this last weekend.

The residents of Eastbourne have endured these arboreal eyesores for far too long, and finally a trip to the town centre will now be the soul-destroying, drab experience we’ve always longed for.

None of this foliage has ever provided any form of commercial return for the town, and we should be grateful to be governed by people who realise this is the only value that matters.

It is in Eastbourne’s best interest to provide a barren, desolate environment stripped of any form organic life… where the only joy to be had is the acquisition of material goods from the chain stores that make our town blissfully indistinguishable from any other in the land.

I’m sure there are plenty of tree-hugging hippy wastrels who would point out that having trees in the Town Centre could help offset CO2 emissions.

I would remind these people that such noble institutions as The Royal College of Physicians and The World Health Organisation have declared Eastbourne to be one of the most polluted towns in Britain; a record to be proud of, surely.

My only concern is these actions don’t go far enough.

It’s time we ridded our town of every last trace of flora and topiary.

And if people decide they haven’t got the fortitude to endure a cold, grey sterile environment, we can always plant new trees and, one day, their children might get to experience the sight of fully grown vegetation just as they enter their retirement (if such a thing still exists in the future).

Personally, I favour Joni Mitchell’s idea of putting some trees in a tree museum, and then charging people the equivalent of a dollar and half just to see them. That is solid financial advice.

Eastbourne has other assets that could be exploited too, like a seafront that is the envy of The Isles. Could we not build a massive concrete wall in front of it? And then anyone who wants to see it would have to pay for the privilege.

But the eradication of the trees in Cornfield Road is a good starting point, and I hope the person responsible for the decision will reveal themselves so the residents can let them know just how grateful we actually are.